5 golden rules for effective communication
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We are constantly communicating! At least that is what the well-known axiom of the communication scientist Paul Watzlawick expresses:
"You cannot not communicate!"
By communication we mean the verbal exchange of information with one or more persons. Gestures and facial expressions are also components of human communication. Sometimes we are not aware that we send communication signals to another person by giving a nasty look, and the same is true when you make it clear to your communication partner that you don't care about something by waving your hand.
In the past, the Mehrabian formula was used to describe the importance of non-verbal communication. This formula states that content-voice-body language work in the following ratio: 7%-38%-55%. However, I want to mention that psychologist Mehrabian only declares this formula to be valid in circumstances where there is an incongruence of content and body language. For example, as if you were saying YES but symbolizing NO with head movements to the right and left. In this case, the head movement has a more powerful effect than your verbal YES.
This formula dates back to the 1960s and has been discussed quite often. However, the discussion has had one positive effect - the scientists could determine that non-verbal communication plays a significant role.
Communication and self-esteem
First and foremost, good communication requires learning means of communication. Like language, for example, communication is something we have to train. And from experience, this development process is never complete; we can constantly work on communicating expectations or sharing information more clearly, efficiently, and appreciatively.
As part of my communication research, I discovered the book "Communication Training" by Vera F. Birkenbihl, which addresses a topic that I believe plays a significant role in our ability to communicate, and that is our self-esteem. Although our self-esteem is described in science as a relatively stable factor, external circumstances can lead to short-term fluctuations.
If we do not feel seen by others as we would like to, a discrepancy arises between our self-image and the image of others. That leads to us feeling attacked in our self-worth, and a feeling of not being OK arises. The less OK we feel, the worse we communicate.
Remark:
The attitude "I am OK / I am not OK" is based on the transactional analysis of Thomas Harris and Eric Berne, who describe four basic positions of life attitudes in the book of the same name.
If we talk about weak communication, it is crucial to know what constitutes strong communication. This way we get aware of the adjusting screws we can turn. An important indicator of good communication is how the other person feels in the conversation. In the language of transactional analysis, this means strong communication is based on the assumption: I am OK - you are OK.
What makes strong communication?
1. It is authentic - "Walk your talk"
When our words and actions match, we are authentic. This also means that we only expect from others what we exemplify. Communication in an authentic way is honest, clear, credible, and always in line with our values. This in turn presupposes that we are aware of our values.
We can present decisions transparently and also express doubts. Authentic communication requires emotional intelligence, especially the ability to empathize with the other person. Empathy empowers us to interrupt and postpone a conversation if we have the impression that it is not the right time or that we cannot reach a compromise.
2. It is quiet
The 80/20 rule of active listening says that we listen actively for 80% of the conversation and talk for only 20% of the conversation time. Or as a German proverb says: Talk is silver, silence is gold. I think we could avoid many conflicts if we became better listeners. In this context, we do not need to say everything that lies on the tip of our tongue or always have the last word.
In this respect, the influencing factor of our self-worth, which I briefly explained at the beginning, plays a crucial role. When we feel not OK, and in this context not seen, not heard, disadvantaged, or pushed back, we think we can achieve the position of OK by constantly talking.
3. It is simple and direct
Of course, we adapt our communication to the other person. You will speak differently to your children or friends than to your colleagues or superiors.
Depending on the communication environment we find ourselves in, we tend to express ourselves vaguely or too complicatedly. It is not clear to the other person what we want to say. In the best case, they ask us to ensure we have understood correctly ("I have understood the following..."). Sometimes, however, people assume they have understood, which can lead to typical communication errors. Therefore, we are most likely to avoid misunderstandings if we communicate clearly and indirect language.
4. It is regular and fair
Good relationships require regular communication. That does not always have to be face-to-face; different people prefer different means of communication. In this way, we ensure that we reach all recipients.
Communication can also be seen as an instrument of power. I have noticed lately in different settings that many people are not aware of this fact at all. If there are various stakeholders, but only some are informed, this results in an informal disadvantage and a feeling of not being important or valued. In this way, we demotivate people and lose their trust.
5. It is appreciative
The basis for a good feedback culture is experienced appreciation. We can express this in several ways, depending on what the other appreciates. A post-it with an encouragement or thank you, offering help, showing interest in the person, praising in front of others: not just well done, but describing somewhat more precisely what we value or taking time for another person.
Communicated appreciation develops a strong basis of trust. And in trusting relationships, people are more willing to give and accept feedback.